“God, I really don’t want to…but you have my yes.”
Let me be honest. There are a lot of things God instructed me to do that I did not want to do. Things that required a hefty sacrifice and personal cost.
I feel that’s another story we don’t hear often from people we feel have made it. How “our yes to God” is sometimes around the things we least want to do.
Things that we fought with God and ourselves about. Things that were opposite to what we envisioned for ourselves. Things that turn our
entire lives upside down…and then maybe right side up. Things that require a personal sacrifice, that make our entire life harder.
Isn’t that the story of everyday men and women in the bible? The ones we see as great?
Peter went from
being a fisherman to being persecuted every day. Paul went from being respected by his religious peers to being in prison. Isaiah walked around naked and barefooted for three years because he said “yes”. Abraham, the father of faith, was asked to walk away from everything he knew. There is a cost to our “yes” to God. We sacrifice and pay the cost and continue to pay it, though it would have been so much easier not to do so.
Before 2021, I was just a girl who aspired to climb the corporate ladder. I desired the respect of my peers and was willing to run myself ragged to have it. I wanted safety, security and what successful people had: a nice house, nice car, a nice husband, a good job and enough money in the bank. I entertained the idea of writing a book but didn’t take it seriously. I was quite content to do the bare minimum with my
spiritual gifts…go to church, teach and participate when I felt led and that’s about it.
It is no wonder, in 2020, when I asked God about my purpose and dream job, He replied: “If I told you now, you’d run screaming.”
He was definitely
right! If I knew then half the things He’d want to partner with me to do, I would have said “no” point blank, full-stop, all argument done. That was not a price I was willing to pay.
That moment feels like a lifetime ago.
Since then, God has
asked me to do things that terrified the heck out of me. Things that I could not do in my own strength…though that did not stop me from trying. Things that I could not even begin to imagine. Things I did not want to do. Things I’ve made incredible sacrifices to do.
I die daily in ways I never knew I’d need to. I’ve died a thousand deaths since 2021. I’ve walked
away from things that I desire deeply. And whilst each sacrifice is worthwhile, it does not make it less hard. That would be like saying that Jesus’ death and torture was not painful just because He chose to do it for a worthwhile cause.
There have been times when I told God “No”, only to think about it and then reluctantly and fearfully give Him my “yes”. There have
been times when I wrestled with Him and myself about for days, weeks, months, and years…before giving Him “my yes”. Yes, I said “years!”
There have been times when I said “yes” because I thought it would be easy…only for it to become the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I never thought I’d write a book that provides the finances to get child sexual abuse survivors the emotional healing they need.
I never thought I’d write another Pink Flamingo book much less be planning to write a third.
I never thought I’d develop a passion championing and financing the emotional healing of Caribbean communities.
Today, I want to share the story of how I got there. This story’s purpose is two-fold – to inspire you but mostly to give me a faith boost and mind myself of my crazy journey with God and where He is inviting me to go.
Let’s dive in…
The Unexpected Plan - Giving it all away…
In my first email, I shared the story of the journey that birthed my first book In Search of the Pink Flamingo.” What I did not tell you was that about a year before the book’s release, God made an unexpected request.
“Chañel, give it all away to charity…”
I ignored Him. I must have heard wrong. There was no way God was asking me to give away every single dime I’d ever make from my first book.
That did not feel fair. And I
certainly did not want to do it. I was looking forward to recouping the money I invested in writing and launching the book. I was looking forward to finally having an extra stream of income that did not require my time. I had worked hard and earned it. I deserved to see the financial fruits of my labor. To add to that, what would others say? They were bound to think I was foolish “there goes Crazy Impulsive Chañel once again”.
Those were all the arguments that I raised. But God was insistent. He raised the topic multiple times over the next year.
At some point, I began to bargain. “God, how about 10%? I mean that’s a tithe. How about 30%? That seems reasonable.”
His soft answer always came back “How about all of it?”
I always responded to Him in the negative.
3 weeks before the July 2023 launch of the book, He
raised the matter once again.
This time, something changed in me. I reflected on the times I’d asked God to trust me with more and enlarge my territory for more generosity. At the beginning of 2023, I read “The Blessed Life” by Robert Morris and that prayer increased in intensity. I got a picture of what’s possible and I wanted to partner with God to give like that.
Now, here He was inviting me into an answer to my prayer and I was busy saying “no”.
My heart shifted and I repented. I would not let this opportunity pass me by. I thanked God for trusting me and said “YES!” without hesitation or grief. Then shared the news with my book launch partners. There was no way I was giving myself an out to change my mind!
At the time I had no idea which charity the money would go to or what initiative it would support. The answer to that question came two months later as I sat in a movie theater in Costa Rica.
Step-by-Step: Obedience Reveals the Next Step
Let me say this upfront. I’m not a good Spanish speaker. So, it is a very strange thing for me to sit in a movie theater by myself and watch a movie (Sound of Freedom) in Spanish without subtitles.
Yet that movie wrecked me.
I was delighted to experience 11-year-old Rocio’s radiant dancing and singing.
Pain and sorrow wrapped its arms around my chest and squeezed when I learned she is kidnapped and trafficked to be a sex slave. A piercing sadness followed, a side
effect that came with knowing she would never be the same after her rescue.
I sat on the edge of my seat and prayed so hard that she would be rescued.
Desperation tinged my prayer after Rocio reunites with her father and brother: “Lord,
please let her sing again”.
Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and the sobs of relief broke from my chest as she opened her mouth, and the first sounds of a note came out.
She would live not just physically. Her essence has survived.
Rocio’s story hit me deeply. I saw me in her. I was not trafficked. For that I thank God. But I was sexually molested. That single act robbed me of my voice, delight, essence and joy for most of my life.
That night as I sat in the dark Costa Rican
movie theater, crying my heart out, thoughts raced through my mind.
I thought of Rocio and thought of myself. I thought of myself and thought of how common that story was in the Caribbean. I reflected on how that one act almost robbed me of my Pink Flamingo self. I cried when I thought of the many Caribbean children who shared my story.
We placed a lot of emphasis on moving forward. If the survivor shares what happened, we focus on giving them the practical tools that they need to move forward. Sometimes, we ignore what the survivor revealed and focus on moving forward. And if the survivor tells no one, like I did, they focus on forgetting what happened and moving forward.
That “moving forward” approach exposes a gap that crippled me most of my life. A gap that played into an area where the Caribbean is oozing badly. Emotional wellness.
This was why at 27 years old; I was professionally and socially successful with a great future ahead of me… and yet
I was emotionally stunted. I was stunted by an environment that didn’t teach me the underlying emotional wellness skills I needed to thrive. “Emotions were bad and unnecessary. They did not need to be talked about.” Fuse that mentality with the emotional effects of my sexual molestation, and I became a ticking bomb. You looked around me and saw the effects on my relationships and how I approached life. I had surface-level relationships and struggled to trust the people around me, especially men.
I disliked myself and judged myself harshly. I people pleased constantly. I had a superwoman complex and relied hard on myself. I held back constantly, anxious, timid and afraid.
God took me into the palm of His hands and have been slowly reshaping me into who He created me to joyfully and peacefully be. I am so grateful for the chance to meet and embrace my Pink
Flamingo self.
That night, as I reflected on Rocio, myself and my Caribbean brothers and sisters who had been sexually abused, my heart wept. I felt a deep burden for the kids who lost their essence to sexual abuse and became emotionally stunted adults because they never got the help they needed to recover emotionally. I thought about the kids who would one day
experience sexual abuse and if they never got the emotional help they need, they too would become like me and those adults.
This was a cycle that could not continue. I longed to do something about it.
That’s when I knew, “I could do something about it!”
That’s what the royalties from “In Search of the Pink Flamingo” was meant to go! To be channeled to grass-root organizations that help Caribbean child sexual abuse survivors recover emotionally.
It was time to attack this escalating social problem from a different angle. To stem the serious short- and long-term physical, psychological, and social consequences on the victims, as well as on their families and the community as a whole.
That night, I did not know how much the book would make. But I was certain of one thing. “In Search of the Pink Flamingo” would help people reclaim their voices and embrace their pink flamingo selves directly and indirectly beyond my lifetime.
A Personal Cost…
I recently reread the biblical story of Joseph and pondered something: “Would Joseph have said yes to the vision God had for him if he knew the personal cost it would have to him? Would he have so joyfully shared his dreams with his family if he knew that he had to be enslaved and imprisoned to get there?”
I have no answer to my questions about Joseph, but I do have an answer to those questions when it came
to my “yes”. In that moment, had I known the cost of my “yes”, I would have said, “God, I don’t want to.” I would have asked Him to choose someone else.
That night in Costa Rica…that day before “In Search of the Pink Flamingo” launched, I said “yes” to something I had no idea would be both rewarding and yet require immense personal effort and sacrifice. I thought it
would happen while I stood as a “giving” bystander. Yet, that was not what God intended.
My “yes” felt easy when it was connected to future money that would come to me and pass through me. It wasn’t in my budget yet, so it did not affect my lifestyle directly. It would have been extra income, so it did not affect my future directly either.
The stakes skyrocketed when I felt led to do what weighed on my heart, before the first book royalty cheque came in. Suddenly my initial “yes” had an unexpected personal cost. It required a personal financial sacrifice.
For an instant, I had
a “God, I don’t want to. This is too much”, moment. A million logical reasons why it was not a good idea raced through my mind.
Then I was reminded of a Kingdom truth about stewardship I learned just May of 2023. All my resources, including my finances, belong to God. I am called to steward them well. To steward them in a way that fulfilled His Will in the earth. So,
if that’s the way He wants to use my personal finances, though it felt hard and left me feeling a bit exposed, I decided to say “yes”.
It became an open door to higher levels of discipline and stewardship: of people, of finances, of my resources, of my time, of my abilities, of my talents. I learned (and am still learning) the fundamentals of Luke 16:10, “how to
steward and be trusted with very little before much came”.
That journey exposed my heart, my fears and thoughts around personal resources, especially money. I started seeing the ways I mishandled my personal finances and resources and how my people-pleasing and undisciplined love for people aided that mismanagement. I unearthed new areas where my approach to resource
stewardship, including financial management, needed refining. Areas where stronger foundations needed laying. It was shocking to discover so many things I thought I needed but didn’t. So many of my actions and habits gave me short-term gratification but took me further away from my desires and God’s promises.
I’d venture to say that step made things financially
harder for me and yet it blessed me immensely.
Where We Are Now…
My “yes” gave me way more than it took.
My heart
simultaneously breaks and rejoices every single time a reader admits that they see themselves in my story…that they are changed by it. As child sexual abuse survivors get access to the therapy they need to start glowing pink again. My soul rejoices every single time God provides the means for someone new to get the therapy they need to heal and be changed. I’ve had encounters with people that I cannot share without crying and feeling deep sorrow for their pain.
And yet, this is just the beginning. I have a strong desire for things to be sustainable and not totally reliant on me. I knew much needed to be done. It would not start and die with me. I knew there was much to be done. That’s when God issued a different invitation to me and others.
He invited me to trust Him and put away my superwoman cape away. A scary thing to do for a girl who had never felt safe asking for help and receiving from others.
He invited me to receive from Him and his hands and feet in the earth in a new way. To invite in people He called to this initiative.
To invite others into what He was leading me to do.
To give them an opportunity to accept God’s invitation to partake in what He is doing.
I feel incredibly
thankful each time someone accepts that invitation. Each time someone makes a donation that serves two purposes. It gets books into the hands of strangers, people who need to feel seen and know that there is a way for them to peacefully and joyfully love others without sacrificing themselves. And it aids in providing access to the therapy resources and support child sexual abuse survivors to need to.
At that stage, I would have been content if this is where my life’s work started and ended, but God had more. He knew I had more “I don’t want to but ‘yes’” in me.
That story continues to write itself 18 months later…in new ways that I could never imagine. It also opened up the door to even more things that I will share in another
post (part 3). It’s really amazing what God can do with a “God, I really don’t want to…but you have my yes.” I’m stopping here and will pick up the story of my writing journey in a part 3.
